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Wow, it's been a long couple of years! I created this site about
a year and a half ago, when I first started to deal with my rape. I've come a long way. But I think the biggest
change has been the realization that this is something that is going to be with me for the rest of my life. I think
I thought that I would go through some shit, deal with it, and be done with it - that I'd eventually stop being affected by
it. I've realized that is not the case. This is something that is with me to stay. I am forever a different person.
I'm still going to group therapy on a weekly basis. Like I said
in my original page, each week I walk out of there a little stronger, a little refreshed, a little more empowered to make
it through whatever it is life has to throw at me this time. I've been through a lot since I wrote that, and begun dealing.
Romances, moves, terrorist attacks, layoffs, DUI, death of a loved one, depression, and a few heartbreaks to mix it up
a bit. I can't say it hasn't been interesting! Sometimes I just had to laugh, throw my hands up and say, "What
next!?" It has been difficult, and I have to say that life probably would have been easier, gone more smoothly had I
not opened my eyes and realized I had a major thing to deal with. If I could've gone on ignoring it, life would have
had less crinkles. But I sure do not wish I did that! It was a hollow existence, I was so far removed from what
was really going on inside my own mind and heart, it's a wonder I had a pulse.
The best thing I ever did for myself was call the Rape Crisis Center.
I've been in the group for a year and a half now, and the two people that were in when I started have moved on, and
I've seen two people come and then go, and I'm still here :) I am starting to feel like I'm about ready to leave group.
I feel like I have the tools I need to get by out there. I don't always use them, ha ha! But I feel like
I have them. I think I need to practice using them first before I try to do it on my own, though. It's so easy
when faced with fear, anger, frustration, anxiety to revert back to my old ways of bottling everything up and trying to detach
from it, but these are all feelings that are a part of every day life, and I need to practice being okay with them.
After all, there are no WRONG feelings; feelings are feelings and we can't change them. As much as we'd like to sometimes!
I'd like to change the way I dove head first into two different whirlwind romances that left me hurting. If I'd
gone in with my eyes open I might not have gotten as hurt, but I followed my heart and not my mind. I believe in following
your heart, but there has to be a happy medium somewhere.
Some of the things I'm trying to work on are following my instincts.
Every time I ignore them I get into trouble, yet I continue to do so! I'm also trying to not beat myself up for
things, little things that I berate myself for, when really all I did was the best I could. That's all anybody can do,
at any given time, if you find yourself saying "That was so stupid!" or "I'm such an idiot!" Stop it! You did
the best you could at that point in time, and that's all anybody can ask! I whole-heartedly believe this, but
I have to unlearn the habit of beating myself up.
Also trying to find a happy medium as far as the trust thing goes.
I am either really closed off and don't let anybody in; or when I do, it's blindly and unlimited - and unfounded - as
in the afore mentioned situations, where I ended up getting hurt. I've also decided I really really hate this whole
"dating" thing. It sucks! But anything worth having is worth fighting for...or something like that...and no pain
no gain...enough cliches? I thought so too.
Anyway, I just thought I'd update the world on what's been going
on! Maybe something I said will help you feel at ease with your own feelings and situation. It's a daily battle, some
days are better than others, but most are just fine. There will come a day when I am at peace, and I'm not giving up
until it comes :) What helps?
1. Professional help! The profession
exists for a reason!!!
2. Friends. A support system, even
if it's only one person you can confide in about your ever-changing feelings, is essential.
3. Self-care - taking time out for you,
doing the things to keep your spirit healthy :)
4. Accepting that life
is different now. That's the bottom line. The more you try to fight it, the more miserable you'll become. Things
have changed, and you have got to be okay with that, and learn to roll with it...it gets easier, I promise :)
December 20, 2002
I don't have too much of an update. However, considering that
I wanted to update about once a month, and it's been 4 months since my last update, I thought I'd toss something out here
:)
I'm still in group therapy, and in these rough times, just doing the best I can to
get along and stay afloat. Work isn't ideal. I was laid off from my job in the hospitality industry after 9/11/01, and am
now in a completely different industry. It isn't ideal by any means, but it has the potential for various advancement
opportunities so I'm hanging in there. It may also just be because it's easier to stay at this job than to deal with switching.
I'm also going to school at night. I think I'm going to get my AA, but if I don't, that's OK too. I'm just taking what
looks good at the time and it feels really good to be doing something to better myself.
My group therapist ran some tests on us a couple months ago, and she said she was
surprised to see that my trauma reactions are still pretty high. I kind of feel like, I've been there for 2 years now,
what's wrong with me that I haven't been fixed yet? But I know that everybody heals at their own rate, and I'm just
going to take as long as it takes me, because what's the alternative? Ignore it and hope it'll go away? No, I tried
that for 4 years and trust me, it doesn't go away.
I'd wanted this to be a happy, uplifting, motivating site, and when Sep 20 came around,
1 month after my first "personal progress" update, I was really feeling quite down, so I didn't post anything because I didn't
have anything "happy" to say. Well, this site isn't about being happy, it's about being real and being true to myself
so I'm just writing about what is really going on for me right now, although it might not be the most positive, happy thing
you've read lately. I think I forgot that dealing with a trauma isn't happy and pretty!
So again, I'm still in group, and we've got a couple of members in now that I think
can really teach me a lot. I just have to be open to the process, which I am. I think for a few months I was closed to it,
because I felt like I'd gotten pretty much all I was going to get out of group...I don't know what I was thinking :) Yes,
I've gotten a wealth of benefits from it, but it's never-ending. Each day there is something new that you can learn,
or practice,and you just have to be willing and open to it.
I guess out of nothing more than sheer stubbornnness, I
still believe that I am going to be okay, I am going to get through this,and maybe one day I might learn to trust some of
those yucky, conniving, idiotic MEN :)
February 8, 2003
What a difference a month makes! I have gotten back
on Prozac, for the first time in about a year, since I didn't have benefits after I got laid off... and wow! I am never
going off the stuff again! Of course, I said that before, and with a disease like Depression, it's easy to think "Ok,
I feel better now, I don't need to take it any more." Duh! The reason you feel better is BECAUSE you are taking
it! So things are looking up.
Group is going well, and I'm trying to stay focused on getting all that
I can out of it. That means I have to put into it, as well, and that's the only difficult part. Sometimes it's hard
to open up, especially when you can't always relate to some of the other members... but that's what it's about. We're
all there for the same reasons, and part of what we're trying to learn is trusting other people, and if you can't practice
that in a safe environment like a therapy group, you're sure not going to be able to do it outside the group!
Work is going well. I'm looking at a promotion in the next month
or so, which is exciting. It's time for a change.
I've started dating a bit. I have been putting myself out there a
bit more, and low and behold there are actually people that don't require that a girl be a toothpick just to ask her out!
Whodathunkit??? So I'm practicing relating with guys too, which is definitely a good thing. It's definitely an area
that needs some fine-tuning with me :) But I'm gaining a little more confidence with this endeavor, which is the best
part about it.
Cheery-O
May 23, 2003
I kick ass! I have self esteem for the first time I
can remember! I don't know what it was, my therapist said in one session she knew what it was that clicked, but I forgot
to ask her. And now group is over. B was doing her internship or something like that, but now she's about done
with school, and she's got her own private practice so she's not with the Rape Crisis Center anymore. The new round
of interns don't come in until the fall so there is no group until then. I don't know if I'll start back up in the fall.
I was in it for over two years, and as I've said for a while, I feel like I have all the tools I need to be able to move on,
I just don't always use them! For some reason something has clicked in the last few months, and I am now using them
much more effectively. I also believe the people around me that tell me I am a beautiful person, inside and out.
They can say it until they're blue in the face, but it doesn't sink in until I am open to the thought myself.
And I'm finally open to it! I am an absolutely kick-ass person! I'm
funny, I'm warm, I'm caring, I'm compassionate, I'm smart, I'm witty, and I'm freakin' gorgeous! I have great eyes,
gorgeous hair, and a fabulous smile! I rock!!!
It feels soooooooooo good to realize this! I never knew what self confidence
felt like, and wow, it feels good! I walk through a restaurant or bar, and all eyes are on me. I think they might
have been before, I just never noticed it. Or, I truly believe that how you feel about yourself radiates through your
body language. So maybe now because I know how wonderful I really am, I'm shining even more!
I may sound conceited and full of myself, but dammit, I haven't believed in myself
for... um... EVER, so I'm just going to take this time and enjoy it :)
I'm seeing a wonderful man who appreciates all of the wonderful things I have to
offer, and likes me for just the person I am. Not someone I could change into or he wants to change me into. And
it's so ODD!!! But that's ok, I'm going with it
I'll conclude today's update with one final note. I believe not truer words
were ever spoken than, "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." I have overcome this, an reclaimed what
that asshole took from me, and for that I am an AMAZINGLY strong person. I rock!
August 2, 2003
Wow, I wish I still felt as gung-ho about my self esteem and confidence as when
I wrote that last update! I was feeling pretty good! I still am feeling pretty good about myself
overall, but my boss at work has managed to erode my self esteem a bit when it comes to my job and the ability to
do it. So I need to step back and take inventory of my accomplishments because I really need to counteract her negativity.
I know she likes me, and believes I can do the job, becuase she used to tell me. But the last 6 months or so she's gone
downhill and is really a miserable person to work for. She talks to us like we're stupid. I attended this
class the other day about our unit's culture and customer service standards, and practices, not only to
our external but internal customers as well. And we did this exercise where they passed out a sheet with 10 different phrases/sentences,
exclamations on it. We had to pick the ones we thought would erode your self esteem if someone said it to
you. 8 out of 10 of them were eroding, and we hear them all out of our boss's mouth on a daily basis!
Our team has changed a bit in the last few months and I'm now taking on a slightly different
role than I had before, and it's a little scary. Actually, I'm pretty much freaking out, because she's caused
me to doubt myself. I used to have no doubt that I could do anything they could throw at me in this department -
I have great customer service and problem-solving skills, I'm a very quick learner, and I'm really observant and
resourceful. I can do anything, I really can. But I realized after that class, and after something happened
to move this change up a little sooner, that I no longer believe that, and she's managed to attack that principle/value/belief
of mine. Bitch!
So I'm trying to step back now and inventory things and remind myself of all of my accomplishments
and abilities, because she's not going to do it! She's doing the opposite, and for my own well-being I need to actively
work to counteract her efforts. One shouldn't have to go to such lengths in a job! But nothing is going to change
anytime soon with her, and until I find something else, I need to remember to take care of myself in this situation...
And I'm still the kick-ass, beautiful, wonderful, thoughtful, intelligent person I was in my last
update! I'm just working on not allowing people to influence what I know of myself and how I feel about myself :)
August 18, 2003
So I had a revelation yesterday - driving down the road, putting
my eyeliner on in my rearview mirror, that I am freaking beautiful! That wasn't my revelation, because as we have
seen from previous updates, and the notation on the "before and after" page, I've realized this already. The revelation
was that while I am absolutely confident that I am physically beautiful, I'm not quite as confident in
my inner beauty. I absolutely realize that I am freaking gorgeous - I have great hair, gorgeous eyes, great skin
(especially now that I'm sunkissed) great lips, and I'm just all around beautiful. And I know that I kick ass on the
inside too, but it's just not as enthusiastic of an "I know." I KNOW I'm beautiful, and I know I am a beautiful person. Hmmm.
I think I should do something about that. I
mean, I can be as self-confident as I want now, and the fact that most of it stems from my physical attributes is fine now,
while I still have those great attributes. But what happens when I get old and they go away? Then what am I left
with? So I better shore up the whole inner thing now, while I still have something else that makes me feel good :)
I'd rather do it now than when I'm 60, and grasping for any reason to be happy with myself because I have nothing... no thank
you.
Crap, so how am I going to do that? Well, just like with the outer beauty,
it'll take baby steps, and time. So I guess I have to try to pinpoint the things that are prohibiting that know
from being a KNOW. I don't know what that is though, and I don't think it's going to be fun to look
at... but alas, I will :) I've come this far, right? How bad can it be? I'm intelligent, funny, thoughtful,
resourceful, diplomatic, polite, kind... Hmmm. What else? Seems like there are some things missing. I should get
one of those charts or tables with characteristics and look at all the ones that I think describe me, and the ones that I
would LIKE to describe me. Hmmm, I did that for a job recently! I resubmitted my resume to the hotel co.
that laid me off after 9/11/01, and the dir of HR sent me a link to this little test, and it tallies your results and sends
them to her. Guess I failed because they didn't call me back! I did follow up a couple of times, too. Oh
well. Who knows what happened? They might have changed their mind about hiring anybody, it wasn't necessarily
personal.
So anyway, I'm sure there are some characteristics that I don't have that I wish
I did, and even looking up there at the list of things I just said about myself, I feel more confident in some of them than
others. Well, I just came about this yesterday, so I'm going to have to work on it some more and update later...
I feel kinda funky like I shouldn't be so self-assured, and that I probably sound
like a stuck-up snob saying what I do about how beautiful I am, but screw it! I've gone without self esteem for too
many years, and I'm damn well going to enjoy being confident for once! And it's not like I flaunt it in anybody's face
(except here on my website, but that's because it is MY website about my recovery) and it's not like I think I'm better than
anybody else, or entitled to anything more than anybody else... I'm just confident, not arrogant :) So back to the thing
about it being my website, I figure, so many of us have a low self esteem, this is just one more thing that I can chronicle
my recovery on, to help others out there, ya know?
:) Cheers for now...
November 29, 2003
If you build it, they will come. It's amazing!
After my last update in which I talked about how I'm fully aware that I am a beautiful person on the outside, but I am not
quite as confident in my inner beauty... I've really started to come around. I mean, I have really started to believe
in myself, and I guess it just goes to show that you really can do anything you put your mind to. Its really freakin'
cool!
Its like we always talked about in group... practice practice practice.
Like the post-it notes when I first started working on my self esteem. I put post its on my bathroom mirror with little
notes like, "I am beautiful" and "I am intelligent" and "I am deserving" and for the first few weeks, or even couple months,
I just looked at them and rolled my eyes. But then I realized that nothing was changing, and it couldn't hurt to do
it the way B said, and that was by reading them aloud to myself every morning. So I started reading them aloud (not too loud,
I do have a roommate that might wonder why I'm paying myself so much attention in the mirror!) And of course at first
it was just a mumble, and I'd roll my eyes as I mumbled the words, but over time I'd start to say them with more feeling,
and more conviction, and I think that they are what started me on this journey that has been the recovery of my self esteem.
It's kinda funny, too, because I've always said that I truly believe in the cliche,
"that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." I am living proof of this, because I have always had very low
self esteem. Throughout childhood, high school, forget about it - I had no self esteem. But look at what happened.
Some power-hungry jerk spikes my drink and takes advantage of me, and in the process of trying to recover from that, I recovered
so much more than I ever would have if I hadn't taken the steps that I did to recover from the rape.
Not that I thank him for it, don't go getting crazy on me now! But it
really just proves once more that a) I can get through anything, and b) that which doesn't kill me will make me stronger.
I've been feeling so good about this lately - such a sense of strength, and capability,
and courage - that I decided to change the title of this page. If you build it, they will come. Because
I kick ass, dammit!!! :)
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